The worst relationship I’ve had in my life is with myself and my body. While I’m in a good place now, certainly not perfect, I’m not beating myself up daily or shaming myself. My body dysmorphia started in 6th grade. I had already developed, was being sexually abused covertly and overtly and I was hurting inside. My 6th grade teacher, with much care and concern pulled me aside after school and asked “I noticed you’re gaining a lot of weight, is everything ok?”
I wish I could remember that conversation, but I can’t. I think my trauma brain kicked in when she pointed out my obvious weight gain and I froze. I’m not sure what I told her, probably that everything was fine because in toxic dynamics you don’t talk about the real issues. You pretend.
How could I tell her I already hated my life? Hated myself? I hated the tension of my divorced parents, the split holidays, the bickering and fighting. I hated the fighting in my own home between parents, kids or siblings. I had panic attacks on weekends with my dad… his poker parties, bars and being outnumbered with men or boys. The boys at school constantly violating my privacy or body with unwanted touches. The latch key hours at home became a time of surviving boy bullying… being tackled, touched, held down, spit on, peed on, gas thrown on, stealing my diary, watching me shower, stealing my girl scout cookies. You name it… it didn’t stop, it only got worse. Until finally one took me against my will at 15. I complained but my voice was never heard and some things you didn’t know how to tell and others you just couldn’t.
So at a time when I was supposed to be developing my femininity and becoming a young woman, I was being objectified, violated, and abused. I was told I was a “pretty” girl and had a great smile and happened to get large breasts… a lethal combination in my world.
Something had to be “wrong” with me, I was broken, ruined, felt unwanted and unloved or people wouldn’t be so mean to me. I projected all that self hatred and shame onto my body. My body became my WAR ZONE. I’ll spare you the 35 years of abuse I put it through with food, substances, drink, sex, emotions, exercise or lack thereof. I hated it and it hated me but we needed each other. A perfect toxic union.
Then I stepped into a photo shoot with the Goddesses Project and Christy Arias. Suddenly the previous ten years of therapy, self development, self care, mindfulness, and self love came ALIVE! It was inside of her photo shoot that I released that wounded girl and toxic relationship with my body. Her magic, pure Light and massive talent showed me who I really was!
As I looked at pictures I never dreamed I could take, I saw all the facets of myself I didn’t get to experience safely before! My sassy red dress vixen, my bold blue bombshell, my black lingerie temptress, my flirty hot pink kisses, my toe-curling tigress and crowned Queen! It was inside of this space I finally unleashed my divine feminine self and fell in love with ME!
I do a lot of work every damn day around this in my Sextacular business and nothing has been more effective, FUN or life changing! Ms. Christy… you are a game changer! As were ALL the beautiful women I shared this experience with... I love each of you DEEPLY!!!
I wish I had found you 25 years ago Christy! And it’s perfect timing because you helped me see my inner beauty and the pure white Light & Love of who I AM as a badass beautiful Goddess! Forever in gratitude!! XOXO