They say… no mud, no lotus. Here is my inner mud and the lotus it grew!
When I was around 10 years old I wanted to be a model. A family member modeled and I idolized her… the beauty, clothes, backgrounds and the glow she always had! She was beautiful, powerful and seen. I was young enough that I still believed I could be anything I wanted to be! Which happened to be a model.
Until THE Critic spoke “You aren’t pretty enough to be a model and you can’t be pudgy.”
OUCH. Like, OUCH. My 10you sense of my beautiful self was shattered. If I’m not pretty then I must be ugly.
Did HE / SHE / ME mean to dagger a 10 year old’s fragile self esteem and heart? Maybe and maybe not. I’ll never know. What I do know is that I spent 43 years trying to compensate for “not being pretty”. Sexy shoes, shiny bling, pretty clothes, lots of degrees, hoards of books. Anything to hide the ugly I’d created a story around.
It didn’t help that all I heard for years was “You’d be SO pretty if you’d just lose 10lbs.” “You could have a boyfriend if you just lost 10lbs.” “You’ll find a husband when you lose 10lbs.” Or the boyfriend that said “I’ll marry you when you weigh 130lbs.” Or Cars driving by screaming “FAT ASS.” Just a couple of years ago in Target someone stopped in the aisle “Look at that FAT ass.”
The most cutting of them all is a male friend who said “You’re not too fat to f*ck, but you’re too fat to marry.” My heart was crushed and I’ve never forgotten that. So much truth to a lifetime story of I can only be LOVED if I am skinny and pretty. I’m not either, so I still couldn’t find love. (We of course talked it out, he apologized deeply, profusely, I forgave him and we are dearest of friends and love each other.)
People will say oh you are so pretty! Beautiful! But I didn’t feel it. How can I when every time I look in the mirror I see the ugly pudgy 10you? Or find every flaw?? Or when the outside world confirms it? I don’t see it so I don’t embody it. I can see a picture and think oh, whew, that is a good one but not FEEL it from the inside. I just think maybe they will think I’m pretty now and a man will love me.
I can’t see in me what you see in me. All I hear is the story…
Well, I finally SAW it! Thanks to Christy Arias and her amazing Goddesses Project!! I’m 53 years old and I FINALLY saw, felt and experienced the pretty, beautiful Goddess I am! This process, photo session, day with women you love is the REAL DEAL! I got to BE IT. I got to step into it, practice it, share it, feel it and the photography had me SEE IT.
I reclaimed my 10year old pretty part… I finally saw her! I finally saw that she was pretty enough to be anything she wanted to be… even a model. Even if it was for a day!
I’ll never be that ugly little girl again because I have these amazing reminders of who I REALLY am…
Yes, we all got pretty photos but it's so much more. It was a process from saying yes, to finding clothes, wrestling with "I'm too fat." Or the naysayer in your head "I could never look like that." (We all said that too.) Or Mr. Guilt telling you that you shouldn't spend the money. Your inner Bitch critiquing your thighs. Or my core wound Unworthy saying don't be stupid you don't need that…pay a bill.
It's about the stories and voices in our heads and what it takes to bear your authentic beauty in the permanent eyes of a camera! It’s being healthy and loving yourself from the inside out. It’s about being able to look at your face in the mirror and love who you see. It's about loving the belly you find too big or shape too wide. It’s about loving all that you are and capturing it in your unique feminine flare!!
I wanted to be a bold Warrior of Love and FUN, FLIRTY Lucille Ball of laughter and surprises! And the Sextacular QUEEN that I am… and guess what she captured it ALL!!!!
So when I say the Goddesses Project was life changing... I mean it! I put this in my top 10 Best Life Experiences!
I can honestly say I've never felt so feminine, beautiful and unleashed!
And I’m a work in progress to… I still find something negative in every picture but STOP myself and rewire the thought… My imperfections are my perfections and I LOVE WHO I AM right here, right now exactly as I am!
Every woman should experience this… you will fall in love with yourself! I want the HELL-YES ladies and the ones who say Naw, I can’t do this…
Yes you can… you can DO and BE anything you want! If you don’t know how… I DO and so does Christy Arias because we pull it out of you!
The best part… Now when someone says “You look so pretty!” I will be able to FEEL it. Allow it in, smile and say “Thank you!” authentically. Because now when I look in the mirror I say “You are so pretty… inside and out!”
Thank you Christy… you gave me my 10yo back!